Friday, June 07, 2013

June... you're supposed to offer more than this.

It's already June. 

June is supposed to be a great month for closing the books, soaking up more sunshine, tending to seasonal yard clean up and gardening, basically just getting outdoors more often, especially to the water's edge to breathe in the sea air and recover from life's busyness. 

The weather lately though, doesn't seem to understand it's June. Some days have already been way too hot and horribly humid, resulting in sudden debilitating breathing issues. On other days, I'm running for my winter coat again. Crazy! 

June is supposed to be the month for slipping happily toward a summer mode for the months ahead. That's just not happening either. On top of weather issues, we've entered a timing for mental gymnastics with tug of war challenges, a push/shove overwhelming effort at times with health, and the uncomfortable feeling of being sucked dry in the process. I'm not enjoying the entire idea of spending this summer burned out, bummed out, and dusting myself off from being hammered to the ground.

I know for sure, it's tremendously difficult to even admit it, but I just can't seem to get the desire to wrap my head around those small calendar squares ahead, at least not yet. 

Instead, I've been mentally turning the monthly calendar pages over, remembering the little stuff to do, like make those dental and optometrist appointments for everyone, check the well water all three weeks in a row, freshen up a few rooms with a coat of paint, enjoy hobby and down time galore, and eagerly prepare to welcome out of town guests for the wedding ahead. The whole idea of having all eight of our children staying under our roof all together again is very exciting!

I'm convinced the year though is flying by way too quickly. We're battling mosquitoes later than usual, the ones that do damage while sucking on my husband's face in the night. I'm still hoping and praying this long standing sinus dryness and pain finally disappears for good, and wondering where my hubby's health issues are heading with two very poor overall stat drops. I'm wanting to close the school books for an overdue brain dump soon, just finding myself simply counting down our days, realizing too that in a mere few weeks, fall will already appear once again, and this upcoming summer will vanish forever. Now, that's just an awful thought. 

June. Please come to stay. Please offer us steady weather, a fitting month filled with refreshment to come. Please? 

Yesterday, I was able to get out for my usual hike with my ladies. I haven't been for a while, usually due to the poor weather and subsequent necessary hike cancellations. Those times like the past three weeks due to thunder, lightning, tornado threats and monsoon rains.  

When hustling to get out the door to meet the start timing this week, I almost returned inside and slammed it shut behind me. The skies opened up, and suddenly without warning, the rain came down, swiftly pelting the ground with its heaviness. 

Quickly, I grabbed my rain jacket while muttering frustrations to myself under my breath. The immense urge to get out and move was (for me) far greater than the inconvenience of getting wet, so in a split second, I was back out the door and driving out toward my destination. 

I'm so glad I did. Ten minutes later, the rain ceased as I entered our hiking area to join everyone else gathering there. We weren't canceled!

Halfway around our 7.7 km. hike, the sun briefly appeared. Walking at a fast clip, very soon we all tore our jackets off, and my body began thanking me for keeping pace in my usual spot at the head of the pack. 

Every footstep enabled me to pound my heavy heart of late into my forward action steps, and our group's conversations allowed for a lovely and spontaneous bunch of laughter, its lighter content welcomed into my already full head. 


As usual, our hike leader's choice of this day's natural environment offered an instant peaceful tranquility for our often fast paced cardio movements, even when that one steep gully grunt climb left me almost breathless along with the others for a few seconds. Cheering one another onward, no one allowed to stop, it all quickly ended up feeling so, so, so good! Yes, it did! 

It's been a season for me of; "Oh sure, I can do that", or "Okay, I'll help", or "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and more yesses".... so much giving, many times without so much as a thank you. Energy depleted, stupid me (!) as I tend to just keep on giving so much of myself. It comes disguised as something sacrificial at times. It does. I've even joked with my children on chaotic days to remember to write on my tombstone, something so simple as "She tried...".  

Seriously though, I've just so often found myself hoping that I can extend my hand, to help alleviate and respond to other's pressures, befriend and soothe a hurting soul, automatically trying to assist family, friends, and neighbors, realizing it's often been to the point of what Elizabeth wrote about yesterday, a lack of "self care". Yes, that's me, my hand is currently raised way up high, pointed to the dark rainy skies above... I truly have spent the past few months placing everyone's needs way ahead of my own. 

I've had to actually sit back and take a moment to figure out; "Wait a second, what is it that I really need myself right now?"


Eventually while out hiking, I realized a glorious adrenaline energy had sneaked in and washed over me. Thankful and happy tears welled up in my eyes for believing strongly enough that - rain or shine, this hike just HAD to be mine. I had to own it, determined to begin and then to absolutely complete it, to get through the rain and storms in my mind let alone outdoors, then to find the joy dancing inside my heart after congratulating myself, and wiping the sweat off my tomato red, overheated face at the end of it all.   

Encouraging, I loved finding my husband's text come in a bit later; "You went for your hike after all! Good for you!"

A few of us decided upon a hot beverage location, and while unwinding with my pleasant camaraderie over a cup of hot of tea, everything again felt more focused and right with my soul. 

June. Hard to believe you are actually already here.... It's been such a rough winter, and spring.
June... I pledge to you now, as well as to the upcoming months of July and August, that I will take way more time for "self care", to deflect all the life sucking issues being thrust forward towards me these days, to offer them all upward, and "I will" begin to find the courage and strength to use that two letter word - "No"

No, not today. No, sorry I can't. No, outside of my own vocational duties, I'm trying to take these months ahead while knee deep in wedding plans, to begin taking better care of myself, and until such a time as I feel rested, recovered, and at peace in my heart, I'm just not able to tack on many additional items at this time that could possibly take me away from this very necessary personal goal. 

I must get out for my daily walk, to my exercise class, for my weekly hike, keep checking in with my chiropractor for those headaches which have returned, have leisurely dates with my husband and family times in between. There is much to pray for, a roaring to-do list yet unchecked, plenty of activities in full swing, and portfolios to complete.

Nope, not today, but for today, I will think of my own (and that of my family's) health and mental welfare, being extra careful not to volunteer to change my plans as I am usually caught doing, those which tend to affect me in keeping that promise to myself this summer.  

Oh, and dear June, July and August.... I will never miss another hike again! 


I promise.

 P.S. I am having a plethora of trouble with my blog, so many errors upon posting, not tracking properly in readers anymore, and I'm too annoyed to try to figure it out anymore at this point in time. There's the reason for my absence, and when I'm able, I plan to get to the bottom of all of that. Eventually. When it fits life here. Meanwhile, I have a "Ten Things I'm Thankful For" post coming up shortly...